End of a tough month!

This month has had it’s downs and ups, well mostly just downs but done some great things like go on the Photowalks which I’ve really enjoyed and met a few new people and also gone out a few times, but it has also been the end of a few things for me and hitting my lowest point at the start of the month wasn’t a good way to start a new year, although my confidence is at an all time high and feel more outgoing and less shy than I’ve ever been but confidence in myself and my own abilities is really low, I’m more positive about things but a lot’s happened recently and it still affects me in different ways, then other things happen to compound it which make it difficult to cope.

I remember though that I need to focus on the positive but that seems a lot harder that it seems then when something really good does happen and I enjoy myself there’s always a message or something waiting for me at the end of it to ruin it, I see everyone else around me happy and this was initially not a problem but now I’m wishing I could feel the same way about anything - I’m not as low as I was but still seem a moment away from getting upset about stuff, and that’s not a good look!

This week has been really hard with deadlines to hit and a lot of work to get through but when every positive I have seems to have a larger negative to counter it, it’s like I’m not making any progress at all, even writing this is difficult for me. I’ve gone through the past ten years or so not really feeling anything for anyone now I have so many friends, colleagues that I never had before I feel even more alone but getting out has really helped - but when I get a set back it really hits hard, don’t feel depressed just feel lost and don’t really know where I fit it and feel like I shouldn’t be where I am and that I don’t deserve what I do have.

I think I kept everything bottled up for the past ten years it’s all hit me at once, that was overwhelming and in the past few months that’s meant feelling really good, bad and others - and found the positive feelings the most difficult to deal with and when I do feel really positive about something, something happens which negates that and when I enjoy myself again I’m slipping back into supressing things because I don’t want to feel anything as I don’t know how to cope properly - but I want to make a real difference and cheer myself up but it’s really hard when you only care about others and can’t care about yourself or anything you do - which is what I tend to feel most of the time.