We can rebuild him - we have the technology

With all that’s gone on recently it’s a time to take stock on what has happened and realise I had let things get too bad before getting help, and not realising that help was available until it was too late. I’m feeling a lot more balanced and positive, more so than before - I don’t think I’m quite the same as I was a few months ago, which isn’t a bad thing, I’m talking the positive route and getting things back on track.

That seems to be the theme of my blog posts which have gone from depressing statements of lack of self worth and just a general sense of giving up to being more positive and realising there is good in every situation, even in the darkest hour then can be hope and there are things to be worried about but also things not to be, and the only way you can change things, is to change things.

I’m always hoping someone will swoop down and make all the choices for me, not a higher power don’t believe in that but just someone to show me the way - but this isn’t realistic and anyway that person does exist - it’s me. I can let things really get to me if I let them and go further than rock bottom if I let things get bad, yet before then I had no issues to complain about and a seemingly normal life with nothing exciting, interesting or depressing going on and now I’ve come through what has been the darkest period in my life I feel stronger and more determined to make that difference myself.

I’ve not had a hard life, good home life and no major problems with family but outside of that there have been issues which robbed me of my confidence and became very quiet and reserved as a person, but in the last few years I’ve been going to events and been more outgoing than I ever was but recent problems put me all the way back and further, to then come out the other side of this even stronger and more willing to change things for the better has suprised me and realise that you can only go down as far as rock bottom and the only way is up from there - any further down there is no return.

It’s thanks to this blog, Facebook and Twitter I’ve really found my voice and these allowed me to see the help that was there and also ask for help without asking for it directly as I couldn’t do this and also share my problem without sharing it directly - this has been a great help to me, probably been a bit too open about myself but I don’t regret anything I’ve posted sometimes it reads back a little grim - but they were written in that context.

It’s only now that I realise what I have and what I’ve really been missing out on and remember the thing that really gave me a purpose to do better and be better and that was forming a relationship with someone, and to care for and be cared by them - I’d forgotton how special it was to be with someone and it was this that I’d not dealt with so I started to make mistakes and cause problems for myself as I had no one who I could be there for me, and I for them.

I remembered all the times when you just being with someone made you feel special and even though it didn’t work out - didn’t deal with that issue very well either, the good times got lost with the bad ones and I remember fondly the good experiences now but still accept it’s over it was a long time ago, but gain strength that I did do it once before and can do it again if I find the right person - with the problems I’ve had recently it made me take a long look at what was in my life and all there seemed to be was work and some level of a social life (which I love) which is going to events but that something was missing and that is what has become apparent and I feel a lot happier now that I’ve recognised this, it is something I’d started to realise but the recent issues got in the way, now I’m dealing with those this has come up again, but instead of feeling down about it, I’m feeling optimistic instead.

It is this optimism that seems to have made it a lot easier to deal with things and not being unrealistic - I can’t meet someone just because I want it to happen - it has to happen naturally, there are ways I can increase my chances like being more sociable, getting to know new people and I’m more confident than I’ve ever been and can talk to anyone - once I pluck up the courage to do so, I find it very easy to talk to anyone once I’ve got over that initial barrier.

Nothing and no-one will make this happen more than myself and I’m doing everything I can think of, but sometimes I need a little help and advice and hopefully I can call upon the help I’ve had to be a positive in my life, rather than resolve a negative. I’m not desperate either, I’m patient enough to allow things to take their natural course - there are going to be milestone events in the next few months that will take there toll such as Valentines Day and my birthday when being single will probably hit me those days - but I try not to think about them that way and they’ll pass without me lapsing back into dispair and that will be another positive and you have to have some ambition whether it be in your work or otherwise what better personal goal can someone have that to find someone else to share your and their life with - and if or when that happens I’ll be glad to look back and see how far I’ve come in the days, months or years that have passed.

I’ve achieved many goals in the past I’ve put my mind too, be that pursing a new career opportunity, going out to more events, dealing with issues so I’m hopeful by making my focus a simple one in theory but not in practice and I already feel a lot better, that admitting this is the source of my problems and it wasn’t the negative like “I don’t want to be single anymore” but the positive “I’d like to meet someone and add something to my life” which I should be focussing on instead, and in focusing on the positive a little more and dealing with the negative a little better then maybe I can make this step in my life and if it doesn’t happen then I’ve at least tried and it is better to try and fail then not to try at all, the rewards outway the loss, even if things don’t work out at first one can always move on, learn the lesson and try again. To quote the Six Million Dollar Man - “we can rebuild him - we have the technology” which aptly fits my sitation having been saved by Twitter, Facebook and also the personal touch of friends and colleagues willing to help and support me.