2011

With 2012 now upon us it’s time to review the previous year I think - well normally that wouldn’t be necessary - but this year I really messed things up.

2011 started like the previous years had - with me not going out much, a couple of events a year with the odd extra one like DIBI to go to also, but had done the same the previous two years, so no change there.

However in the latter months of the year I made a mistake, rather than give too many specifics, I can do a breakdown (breakdown being the operative word here) in percentage terms which was 20% obsession, 40% delusion, 20% crisis and 20% guilt - this mistake will cost me dearly I think - however it is something I have to deal with this new year, sooner rather than later.

Making mistakes is bad enough, but can be alleviated if one learns from them, but compounded if additional mistakes are made which escalate the problem many times - which I managed to do - twice - thus multiplying the mistake to the point where dispair lives and hope does not, and not hope for a specific outcome, rather that the mistake leads on the a more postitive situation generally.

This mistake where another has been drawn into a situation they were no part of and through no fault of their own or action they did, or inaction - with this situtation being driven by no more than self delusion and disempowerment, that’s where the guilt comes in guilt for compoundment of this mistake and therefore but also the disolution of the mistake into a realisation of the reality of the situtation, which is it doesn’t exist and is mearly a shadow of a reality that never was - the only positive outcome is that the mistake has highlighted a component of ones life that was not missed before but now feels integral to stablise a life once lead with lack of action and missed opportunities, overcompinsated by looking for opportunities where there was none, and instead recognising an opportunity for what it is and not letting nothing escalate into something but instead take the situation for what it is.

To confess the issue which in part this is, was the second mistake related to the first whereby an issue which could be ignored or simply explained away has been set in stone and by this error the first mistake was futher increased, but also decreased as the realisation of the delusion became apparent - however was not the best way to resolve a situation, and makes dealing with the consequences much more difficult than it needed to be, however making the mistake self contained was never going to be realisic as a problem can manifest in many ways and erode away at oneself and would have resulted in the second in any case, how this may have manifested itself may have been different but the outcome would have been the same.

Still the realisation of the reality of this was still not apparent and a further truth was required, however before this a third mistake was made and this brought in other factors which increased the scope of the delusion beyond breaking point and that’s when the problem reached it’s zenith and became filled with paranoia and utter dispair, and help was needed - which was found, and it was due to this that the full truth was uncovered and the whole mistake shown for what it really was - a fantasy and delusion constructed from nothing and composed from elements devoid of reality, and this bookended the entire situation and put an end to it.

Consequences are still there, and must be dealt with but there is hope that one can be forgiven and that one can move one, even by dealing with these there is strength in that and what ever positives there are won’t come from the focus of the mistake but may lead on to a greater positive, there is the negative outcome of the situation however if something like this happens again, one can deal with it better, more realistically and more appropriately.

This year has demonstrated that just as you may think everything is fine, something unexpected can happen, or not in this case - but this mistake has come do dominate the latter part of the year, and it is hoped that the lessons learned can be a positive, but the consequences will undoubtly be difficult to deal with, but dealt with they must and it is that thought which starts the new year.