This month has had it’s downs and ups, well mostly just downs but done some great things like go on the Photowalks which I’ve really enjoyed and met a few new people and also gone out a few times, but it has also been the end of a few things for me and hitting my lowest point at the start of the month wasn’t a good way to start a new year, although my confidence is at an all time high and feel more outgoing and less shy than I’ve ever been but confidence in myself and my own abilities is really low, I’m more positive about things but a lot’s happened recently and it still affects me in different ways, then other things happen to compound it which make it difficult to cope.
I remember though that I need to focus on the positive but that seems a lot harder that it seems then when something really good does happen and I enjoy myself there’s always a message or something waiting for me at the end of it to ruin it, I see everyone else around me happy and this was initially not a problem but now I’m wishing I could feel the same way about anything - I’m not as low as I was but still seem a moment away from getting upset about stuff, and that’s not a good look!
This week has been really hard with deadlines to hit and a lot of work to get through but when every positive I have seems to have a larger negative to counter it, it’s like I’m not making any progress at all, even writing this is difficult for me. I’ve gone through the past ten years or so not really feeling anything for anyone now I have so many friends, colleagues that I never had before I feel even more alone but getting out has really helped - but when I get a set back it really hits hard, don’t feel depressed just feel lost and don’t really know where I fit it and feel like I shouldn’t be where I am and that I don’t deserve what I do have.
I think I kept everything bottled up for the past ten years it’s all hit me at once, that was overwhelming and in the past few months that’s meant feelling really good, bad and others - and found the positive feelings the most difficult to deal with and when I do feel really positive about something, something happens which negates that and when I enjoy myself again I’m slipping back into supressing things because I don’t want to feel anything as I don’t know how to cope properly - but I want to make a real difference and cheer myself up but it’s really hard when you only care about others and can’t care about yourself or anything you do - which is what I tend to feel most of the time.
If only - but I’m feeling better and haven’t “jumped the shark” - this will probably the last negative post I write, feel things are back on track, nothing has changed just realise I need to enjoy things a lot more and feel better about myself and not take things to seriously and have a little fun once in a while, it’s not enough to just go out - how often that might be or not!
I’ve really changed the way I think about things in a way I did’t realise until recently - I didn’t like being the way I was and even though I’m basically the same now I do feel more positive and try to see the good in things and not lets things get me down, that’s really the best way I can move on and get over myself - I think the biggest hurdle to overcome is my own attitude to things and that’s something I can change, there are a few things I’ve done like write posts like this and also I’ve done other things as well to make me feel better like talking to more people, meeting new people and getting back in touch with people which have all added up to make me feel less alone which is nice!
I’ve got a long way to go but like the anticipation of something good happening and when it does like a breakthrough at work or just getting out I really like it and when I don’t go out I don’t mind so much and if I do feel down I can just think about the times when I have felt good - I tried to supress the times I felt really happy as they also made me feel sad that I wasn’t like that anymore but now I look forward to being like that again and I’m ready to go for an opportunity whenever it comes and make sure it is what it is and not mess things up like I have done recently, the best chance to take is the more certain ones - and I can get to the point where I will be more happy!
I posted something on Facebook about me feeling left out, which isn’t entirely true, just feel that way from time-to-time and not sure why that is the case. I’ve always been an outsider in any situation but once I get speaking to people or whatever I feel involved and don’t feel that way. I’ve always been that way I think and it really wasn’t an issue until now, as I’ve come through a lot of things and this has become a problem even though it wasn’t one before.
I’ve liked posting what is going on on Twitter and Facebook and glad of the replies to things I do say, but I’m going to a lot more things now and also with new work and new people I’m starting to feel that I’m not really where I should be - not with work but in my life generally, I’m a lot more positive now and just want to be included a lot more but finding this is a difficult hurdle or overcome as I’ve been this way for a long time, but only now has it become an issue I do want to overcome.
I can’t change everything I would like to about what has happened in the past and how that makes me as a person now, but I just want to change enough so I feel better about myself, I’m probably not being patient enough even though I know that things will take time and nothing will happen in the near future - I’d still like it to anyway, but I know that’s not realistic, I do feel a lot better now and feel like I did a few months ago but still with the new confidence and drive to change, just need a direction and a purpose and I’ll get back on track I think.
I’ve set myself some goals to achieve, some of which I know I won’t hit - but the only way I can really make a change is to have something to aim for and even if it isn’t possible to give it a try anyway - I’ve also learned not to overthink things but I still do it anyway but at least I know I’m doing it and things will get better for me and I don’t feel left out in the cold.